So your little sister beat you up. Maybe that hot little number in 10th grade wouldn't give you the time of day. Maybe your big sister put makeup on you while you were sleeping. I get it; for whatever reason,, you chose to wreak your revenge on the female gender through your chauvinist agenda and your idiotic efforts to suppress your female constituents. I understand where you're coming from; there's nothing worse than getting bullied or rejected by a girl. Understand this, however: This is why you are unemployed.
I'm talking to you, Todd Akin, Richard Mourdock, and yes, even you, Mitt Romney. I know you're married, and I have a theory that channels the plotline of The Stepford Wives, but that's not even the issue. The issue is this-- even though I believe your constituencies spoke loud and clear on election day, I want to ensure you get the message. Here it is:
1. Equal pay for equal work-- it seems like a no-brainer. If a woman works three times as hard to get the same job as a male coworker, you better believe she wants the same pay. There is no 'old boy's network for women. More women are working to support families than men. We need all the help we can get through legislation to even the playing field.
2. If you don't have a uterus, don't tell me what I can do with my uterus. I don't care about how you feel when your pigs or goats have stillborns; we are not pigs nor cows. My reproductive system is not on the table for legislation. You don't know me and you can't make my decisions.
3. Leave Planned Parenthood alone. That's right-- you heard me. When I was 18 and I needed birth control and I didn't want to discuss it with my parents, Planned Parenthood was there. They were also there to tell me I had high cholesterol and to give me counseling to help me take care of it through changing my diet. My health insurance was non-existent and my budget was as well. I was working my way through community college. If it weren't for the team at Planned Parenthood, my life might be much different.
Sound simple? Good. I'll clear a few more things up.
Women don't have penis envy. We know enough dicks-- we don't need ones of our own. I rather like being a woman and I don't think it makes me weak. Do I change my own oil? No, but I get it done, and it makes no difference-- I work hard at what I do. I don't think of myself as belonging to any weaker sex, but if you offer to carry my groceries for me, I'm smart enough to let you. Understand?
A woman's body doesn't shut down in the case of a forcible rape. As a matter of fact, a woman is more likely to conceive from a rape situation. Women also still die in childbirth; after all, with all these "technological advances," we still manage through our periods by either sticking an adhesive pad to our undies or shoving a cotton plug up a place Todd Akin is getting all hot and bothered about legislating.
Some women hate to cook-- can you believe it? Just like every man can't flush my radiator, some women can't boil water, and hold on to your hats, guys-- some women hate to clean! We're good at math too!
I know I've thrown a lot your way. Your little closed minds need time and space to process all this. Do me a favor-- explain to your wives what you've really said in public and see how fast you're sleeping on the couch!
